What would happen if I got out of bed in the morning, stood on my two feet, and saw it as a privilege. If I put on my own clothes in the morning and saw it as a privilege, even at 22 years old. If I got in my car and saw the ability to drive as a privilege...
I can't think of many jobs that would be as life-giving and fulfilling as the one I have. But it is also hard. So many days I go home with a heavy heart wondering why these people that I love so much were dealt their cards. The most important thing this field has taught me is that I am not entitled to ANY of my physical or cognitive abilities. Literally every single ability I have is such a privilege that I take for granted every second of the day. All of my 5 senses are completely functional. I don’t have any issues with my motor skills. I can cognitively handle mainstream education as well as a college education and succeed at both. I can regulate my own emotions. I can take care of myself. After a long day I could easily complain about having to stand on my feet for another 5 minutes when there are people who are prone to live their life out of a chair and would do anything to stand up for even just one second. It is the most heart wrenching thing to watch someone who has the cognitive capacity to tie their shoes or button their shirt but they physically can’t because their body is incapable of those fine motor skills. It's even more heart wrenching that the person I'm thinking of was born just like you and I, but was hit by a bus when he was 16 years old and now lives in a chair, only able to move one arm and unable to speak. It makes you reevaluate the way you think when you're talking to a friend about the fact that having kids sounds like so much work and then remember that a week prior one of your clients was almost in tears telling you how all she wants in life is to be a mom but she’ll never be able to because of her disability. Hearing their stories makes me wonder why I ever complain about anything. They have been placed in some exceptionally challenging situations yet they still are able to find the greatest joy out of the smallest things. They have challenged me to ALWAYS find a silver lining no matter what the situation is, to see the goodness in every person and to speak out loud about that goodness, and to focus on what I do have rather than what I don't. They make it look so easy to do these three things and I am so grateful that I am surrounded by their examples of how to live better every single day. They have taught me how to recklessly love and to dance like nobody is watching and for that I am forever grateful.
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Nearly every story loses value when you don't watch/read/listen from beginning to end. You don't start watching a movie at the climax, you can't follow a storyline if you start at chapter 10, and every chorus is enhanced by the verse that precedes it.
While trying to figure out where my life is going now that I've been tossed into the adult world, I realized I've been trying to skip ahead to the middle of what my story will look like. I've led myself into a constant state of dissatisfaction with where I currently am vocationally because (even though I absolutely LOVE the individuals I get to work with) I don't feel challenged and I know there is so much more I eventually want to do, whether that's in this field or something completely different. Basically I feel stagnant, and we all know that's not a good feeling. BUT what I need to remind myself of is that I will never get this season back. Every season is purposeful if you allow it to be. I'm starting to focus on the aspects of this time in my life that no other season will have, which I think has been a cure all for this post-grad stress disorder that I've diagnosed myself with. I came up with three things that I believe are at the root of this post-grad stress disorder and even just realizing what is causing the stress has helped me calm the heck down. Discontent, focusing more on what's not than what is, and comparison - these are the ultimate adversaries of post grad life. If I wrote down all of the revelations I've had during this time I'd be writing a book right now instead of a short blog post BUT the most important thing I've learned is that when all I think about is my next step and get consumed with futuristic thoughts, I won't get anything out of where I currently am right here right now. Literally every single season of our lives has purpose and something to learn from. Even the phases where you feel purposeless or stagnant or bored or like you have NO idea what you want your mark to be on this world. So with all of that being said, I've decided to focus on the freedom and flexibility that this season has to offer. I'm applying my skills and passions in random settings to learn how I can best maximize the gifts God has given me. This is the time to do all of things I've always wanted to do but couldn't because of time, money, or school. This is the time to try and maybe fail but also maybe NOT fail at making a reality out of the big dreams I've always had. The LAST thing I want to do during this time is miss out on the here and now because I was worried about my chapter 10. I bet if I asked you to think of an aspect of your life that wrenches your heart but simultaneously overwhelms you with gratitude and joy, it might take a while to come up with an answer. I consider myself lucky to have something that comes to mind right away.
Watching my little brother grow up with Down Syndrome has had moments that made me feel like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. Every time I experience a new life event, a portion of the excitement is derailed because in the back of my mind I have the knowledge that the person I love most will never get to experience the same things. I've watched his peers stare at him and ask their parents "what's wrong with him?" I've seen him be challenged immensely by simple tasks such as putting on his shoes. I've gotten used to the fact that I can't ask my 13 year old brother about his likes and dislikes or hear "I love you" come out of his mouth without him being prompted. BUT I also never thought I'd be so overjoyed to have someone beat me in a thumb-war. I never thought I'd get such a kick out of listening to a person try to sing along to songs that I've heard thousands of times. And the one time that I did hear him say "I love you" on his own, I'll never take for granted. Without him & his disabilities I would have never witnessed such a candid form of love. I never thought I could love someone so incredibly much with such a small amount of tangible reciprocation. I remember the first time I really heard my mom open up about what it was like to give birth to a child and moments later find out that they will live with severe, incurable disabilities. She described it like this: you spend 9 months imagining what your child will be like, what talents they'll have, the things they'll accomplish, how they'll impact the world - and then in the blink of an eye all of that goes away. In a way it's similar to experiencing the death of a loved one - you have to grieve what will not be there. I've come to view the circumstance not necessarily as a loss, but rather as an alteration of expectations. We would have never guessed we'd be just as thrilled to see Justin learn how to buckle his seatbelt at age 13 than we would if, say, he had been awarded MVP of a high school sports team. I think every parent hopes that their child will be a world-changer, and if I know anything with certainty, it's that Justin has and will continue to change SO many people's worlds. |
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